Picture Prompt Saturday

Here's this week's picture prompt, but I couldn't find the original creator of this art. I'm not that person, so the credit for the creation of this goes to the rightful person.

Happy Writing!

Love, Mackenzie

The Words By Christina Perri

I found a great song that I wasn't familiar with before yesterday, so I thought I'd share it!

I hope you enjoy it as much as I have!

Love, Mackenzie

A New Method of Coping With My Anxiety--Experiment

I'm trying out a new method of dealing with anxiety, I'm going to journal more often and try to get my stressed feelings out so I am a more enjoyable person in the long run. <3 I hope this works.

Love, Mackenzie

Writing Prompt Wednesday

Here's the link for today's writing prompt!

Happy Writing!

Love, Mackenzie

A Wedding

...Not today, but tomorrow.

My darling friend Michaelah is getting married to her prince charming tomorrow and I couldn't be happier! I went to their reception tonight and it was amazing!

Best of luck, you two!

Love, Mackenzie

A New Experiment

Josh and I have decided to try out training ourselves to lucid dream! Lucid Dreaming is essentially having a 4th wall awareness to the fact that you're in a dream, and eventually you can train yourself to control you dreams, like the movie Inception.

I wanted to try and start my dream journal last night, but I forgot to do it when I woke up in a panic, trying to make it downstairs before Josh left for work, and by the time I'd realized his car was already driving away, I forgot my dream! But I plan on starting tomorrow morning when I wake up, first thing!
There is one drawback, however. One of the side effects of lucid dreaming is you may have an experience or two where you are actually awake and paralyzed for a good number of minutes, and some people have mentioned that they felt a sort of presence in the room, watching them while they can't move.
Creepy.

But I won't let that stop me unless it actually happens. If it happens to me, I'll stop trying to lucid dream immediately.

I'll be sure to document my first really successful lucid dreaming experience here for all of my non-existent followers to enjoy!

If anyone else does this too, comment below!

Love, Mackenzie

Spiritual Thought Sunday

I found this micro-talk by Howard W. Hunter that I thought I'd share. Here's the link.
Happy Sunday!

Love, Mackenzie

Picture Prompt Saturday

Here's this weeks' picture prompt! I couldn't find the source for this picture, but I did not take this photo. All credit goes to the photographer, whoever you are.

I just thought this photo was charming. <3

Happy writing!

Love, Mackenzie

Scene Location Friday

I found a neat picture on Pinterest, it looks like a really cool setting for a scene in a story. Here's the picture with the link.

Love, Mackenzie

Short Post

I feel like crap, so this is it for today!

Love, Mackenzie

Writing Prompt Wednesday

Here's this weeks prompt, complete with the link!

Happy writing!

Love, Mackenzie

Failure

Last night's recipe FAILED. I followed the recipe and it actually made me physically ill because of the Campbell's cheddar cheese soup. Uh, yuck. We ended up eating bagels and turkey sandwiches for dinner, so I guess last night wasn't a total fail, just the attempted dinner. Thanks a lot, Pinterest!

THE END.

Love, Mackenzie

Trying Something New Today

Before I tell you what it is that I'm doing new today, I felt I should mention that I finished the first draft of If I Stay (title is a work in progress, it likely won't stay this way) but yes. I'm not pleased with the ending and I don't know what to do about it, but that can be figured out at a later time. Maybe sometimes my first impression of what the ending should be is wrong. But that's what editing is for. And I am a little irritated that it only ended up being a little over 30k words, but whatever.

Anyway, I found a delicious sounding recipe on Pinterest (Go figure, right?) It's a recipe for Crock Pot Slow Cooker Pasta and it's super easy. the hardest thing to do in this thing is browning some ground beef. So, super easy.

I'll post about how it went tomorrow, complete with pictures (if I remember... one can't be certain I'd do this.)

But thanks for reading!

Love, Mackenzie

Spiritual Thought Sunday

I'll admit it, and since there's no easy/nice way to say it, I'll say it plainly. I hold grudges. Hardcore. I have the hardest time when I feel like I was wronged and I didn't get an apology, I will hold onto those feelings and never forget it.
Josh has been working really hard to get me to let go easier when things happen, but I still struggle a lot with forgiveness, especially when they don't even acknowledge they did anything against me. Ignorant people grind my gears.

Anyway, I came across this Gordon B. Hinckley quote again, so I thought I'd share. Here's the link to the original. It's something I need to work on, but here it is.

Happy Sunday, Ya'll!

Love, Mackenzie

Picture Prompt Saturday

Here's the picture prompt for the week, complete with the link.

Happy Writing!

Love, Mackenzie

Inky The Octopus

I read a fantastic story this morning about an octopus that escaped from his enclosure and made it all the way to the ocean. Watch this clip, I was so excited and I laughed when I heard what had happened. (Although I do worry that he won't be able to find any food on his own, but whatever. Power to you inky!)

Thanks for reading!

Love, Mackenzie

Yesterday Sucked

So for those of you who don't know, I sprained my ankle and strained the muscles in my shoulder on Tuesday night after slipping like an idiot down the baby of a hill next to my row of townhomes. That sucked. Yesterday, I was trying to avoid another vomiting situation from my youngest by only giving him bananas and bread with some blue Gatorade, affectionately named Blue Drink by my oldest. When N doesn't get his milk, all hell breaks loose at my house. All he wanted in the morning was milk and I just couldn't risk him puking again. So he had to wait. Cue N's banshee scream. All. Day. LONG.

Anyway, I decided to make a nice dinner for Josh for when he came home and I threw something together that needed to be in the oven for a while. WELL.

The oven broke and wouldn't heat up properly, making my dinner useless. GREAT.

Then Josh pulled the oven out to get the serial number and found the part we needed before going to Young Mens.

I'd planned on cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom since it looked like an atomic bomb went off in there, and then I realized that the oven was sticking out just far enough so it blocked me from opening the dishwasher. Dang it. Luckily today was much better.

Love, Mackenzie 

Writing Prompt Wednesday

Here's this weeks writing prompt with the link!

I'm planning to use this line in my novel, All I Wanted, but I thought I'd share since its just too good to keep to myself.

Happy writing!

Love, Mackenzie

Positive Body Image Goals

I know this is a touchy subject to most people but I don't care. According to my stats page, nobody reads this blog anyway, so I'll say whatever I feel like. <3 Sorry if this is rambly, I'm just going to write what I feel in the moment so it might be a little fragmented. But whatever.

Anyway, I've struggled with positive body image ever since I've been married and it became more intense when I had my two babies. When I first got married, I didn't have my mom there to tell me what to eat to stay skinny and I ate horribly, making me jump up from a 2 to an 8 in just six months. So it was all my fault, in case somebody out there was concerned that Josh was making me feel like shit. No. More on that in a minute.

It only became worse when I had Lincoln, because I was a solid size 10, but I felt like my weight was well distributed and I loved the way my butt looked!

Not long after that, I became pregnant with Noah and I kept my weight down through working out regularly and trying to eat healthy. But then I had a few complications, making me bedridden for the last three months of my pregnancy. I moved back in with my parents so my mom could help me with Lincoln and Josh stayed living at his mom's house so he wouldn't be so far from work.

So I was left to my own devices in terms of food purchasing, since I was 6 months pregnant, I didn't want to be too concerned about my eating habits, but that came back to bite me in the ass.

When I had Noah, I was 195 lbs. Before I could ask the nurse at my last doctors appointment to not tell me, she blurted it out and I was horrified. In high school I only weighed 125 lbs so adding 70 onto that was the worst.

It's been almost two years since Noah entered this world, and even though he's been way harder than Lincoln and it's been really difficult to parent him, I've wanted to lose my extra poundage that hasn't really left me since then. I fluctuate between 170 and 175 lbs, and I became so obsessed with my scale after giving birth, Josh threw out my scale. Best decision for me ever.

As some people might know, I've had a bit of an identity crisis since having Lincoln. I remember the moment distinctly in my head, I can see it even now. He was two weeks old and Josh was on his way home from work and it hit me; I had no idea who Mackenzie Anne Smith Packer was. I didn't know what I wanted most out of life and what my goals were and how I wanted to raise this little being I had been taking care of.

It was terrifying for me to feel that way, to be honest. I'd always felt so confident and fine with who I was, I felt myself sinking into a deep despair. I had a lot of discussions right away with Josh and he did his very best to try and help me make sense of things.

Anyway, I've been working on working through this conundrum for over three years and I think I've finally turned a new leaf.

Josh and I were getting ready for bed last night when I sat under the covers and looked over at him while he brushed his teeth. I explained to him that I had a revelation.

All my life, I thought that skinny means beauty. Skinny means people will take you seriously and you'll be more well liked and you'll get more out of life. And maybe all those things are true for some people, but it hit me yesterday when we put the boys down.

I discussed my idea with my sister. She loves getting healthy and working out with her husband in the mornings and finding new yummy meals that don't have any added sugar, among other things. I'm proud of her and the fact that she's working on her goals. But we talked for a while and I explained that I was struggling because I felt like there was a lot of pressure to lose my baby weight and get into those size 10 pants I talked about earlier.

But I felt like there are other things that require my attention more than caring about what I look like. I want to be a great mom to my boys, I want to change my schedule so I can make my days more effective, therefore getting more things done. I want to be a good wife to Josh and be there for him and help him with whatever he may need. I want to work on building my writing hobby into a full fledged career (once my boys are older). But most of all, I want to work on reading my scriptures and saying my prayers more regularly so I can be a good example to my kids.

It dawned on me that it matters more what's on the inside than what's on the outside.

I've been putting myself down for so long, worrying that I'll never fit into my size 8's again, wondering if I'd ever be seen as attractive or smart if I can't seem to lose weight.

Going back to mine and Josh's discussion last night, I asked him what he thought about me dieting and trying to lose weight. With his knowledge of what I'd already tried and things I'd failed with, he thought for a minute before repeating what he'd said at least a dozen times in the past, but it had never stuck, until then.

"If you're working out occasionally, eating relatively healthy and you're confident with yourself, that's what I find really sexy."

I am so grateful for Josh because he's told me for years that he doesn't give a damn about a number on a scale or on the tag of my jeans. He cares about how I feel about myself, which has been life changing. He's told me that he cares more about intelligence and the pursuit of knowledge in me rather than my looks (although he's been very supportive of my 3-4 times a week workouts). He works with me on my writing projects, helping me iron out kinks and solve problems. He works hard to help me get better in chess and he's done research and bought me a couple vocabulary building books because he know's its important to me.

He also gives me the freedom to love the things I want to without feeling judged. I struggled for a long time in high school because I wanted to love wearing comfy clothes and being a total geek, but I felt like it wasn't the proper girly thing to do. I did play video games with boyfriends but only occasionally. I didn't really talk about my love of the fantasy genre, or Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, and how I sometimes felt more comfortable hanging out alone when everyone assumed I was crazy extroverted.

But Josh lets me love the things I do with the passion I've always felt in my heart. And yes, he supports me in killing off any and every character I feel like needs to die a horrific death.

It's terribly refreshing to be married to such a man. He's told me directly that he doesn't expect me to fit back into a size 2. He realizes that my actual bone structure wouldn't allow it, even if I did get back down to the 125 lbs I once knew and loved. He's told me directly that he loves a little extra poundage and he doesn't mind at all that I'm a bit heavier. More to love, in his eyes.

I don't take Josh for granted. My anxiety forces me to imagine life without him, but I push it out quickly since it's almost unbearable; I won't dwell on it even now since I don't like even writing that last sentence.

I used to think I was crazy for getting married as young as I did, even though I'd prayed about it and felt confident with my decision. I wondered for the first two years of marriage why exactly I'd met my companion at age 16, fell in love with him at 17 and married him 12 days after turning 18. I kept wondering why God had confirmed to me that Josh was the one when he wasn't at all like the other guys I'd dated in the past (I counted my exes one day, it was well over fifteen people in four years of dating. I was stupid) even physically, he was the opposite. Josh isn't the type to fawn over me, spoil me rotten, cuddle for hours after the kids go down or go out and buy me a dozen red roses. (cut flowers die to quickly to make financial sense, he says) We don't kiss often and its especially rare when we're spending time with family and friends. We both like our space when we're sleeping (hence the king sized bed) and we will likely never find common ground when it comes to which type of toast is best; barely crispy (him) or nearly black (me).

But he helps me grow my mind, my faith, and he promotes positive body image; something I didn't even know I needed. He encourages me to be the real, true me and he's complimented me on how I've blossomed in my own self since we've been married. And I agree.

Like I said before, my sister and her husband love to exercise and get fit together. My parents are some of the cuddliest people I know and my brother and his wife follow suit. Josh and I love to talk philosophically with one another, bouncing opinions and ideas off each other. We love discovering new Animes' and playing new video games together. We love being in the same room with each other but not interacting since we both know that the other needs some personal recharge time after a long day. And it works for us.

That was a huge tangent, but I will not apologize.

Back to my point, my positive body image journey is still in its infancy and I know that eventually I'll find complete peace in myself. I'll be able to look in the mirror and smile at myself, not because I'm acne free or because I fit into those tiny jeans or into that size medium top. But because I'm loving who I'm becoming as a person.

It's going to be a real project and I can see the results of this idea already. On Monday, I felt so comfortable with my thighs (I actually thought that I loved how they felt on my body, which is something I hadn't said in years) and it felt so freeing.

The media tends to say only two things; Get skinny or you're not pretty and love yourself whatever size you are; you're beautiful either way.

I wish the media would work more on teaching people to be loving and tolerant and accepting of others with opposing views. What about faith in our Father in Heaven and what about being humble and charitable and forgiving? (Forgiveness is the bane of my existence it seems like sometimes, I'm the worst person I know when it comes to holding grudges. I'm adding that to my list of things to work on......)

If loving yourself is radical, I want to be the most radical person on the planet. And that's even without being a size 14, which I'm not. But I'd rather be intelligent, a good wife and mother, and a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who has a testimony as strong as steel. Then I'll work on being skinny, for weight is just a number.

Life is good. God is good. And in the words of Edward Elric, "Stand up and walk. Keep moving forward. You've got two good legs, so get up and use them. You're strong enough to make your own path."

And to finish this post for good, I read something on Pinterest that made me laugh. It said, "Mother Theresa didn't worry about the size of her thighs, she had shit to do."

Love, Mackenzie

It Was A Long Night

So we visited family last night and had a great time, and we got home at almost 10 PM (whoops) so the boys were both a little grouchy. Noah gagged while I was holding him but I thought he was just a little car sick so I didn't worry about it, until he threw up four times in a row as soon as my foot hit the hardwood floor inside our house. It was terrible! I got barf all over me, he was screaming, and there was a massive throw up mess that Josh got to clean up while I bathed Noah.

I don't do well with throw up, I'd rather take on ten poopy diapers in a row rather than dealing with puke.

We put the two boys in bed as soon as possible and, not surprisingly, they both were asleep when their heads hit the pillows. Josh had to work on his presentation and I needed to reach my minimum word count for the day so we both jumped on our computers in the room next to the boys bedroom and got to work.

On and off we heard Noah coughing (we assume its just allergies, there are little pieces of cotton floating around all over in our backyard and he doesn't have a runny nose at all, just a cough) and every time, Josh and I were in his bedroom making sure he wasn't vomiting again.

We stayed up until 12:30 because we were so paranoid that he'd puke again, but he didn't, so we were about to go to sleep around 1 AM when we heard him retching. It was too late.

He had vomited all over his bed and new pajamas, so I bathed him again and decided to take him downstairs so Josh could sleep in preparation for work the next day. I turned on Inside Out (Noah's favorite show) and sat him on my lap while I tried to get some shut eye. I hadn't slept for more than ten minutes when he retched again, startling me.

Two seconds later, he barfed up some white foamy stuff, and it wasn't that much, but his shirt was covered, so I just took his shirt off and wiped him down with a baby wipe before trying to doze off again.

He ended up needing my attention until 3 when I couldn't stay awake any longer and he was dozing off, sitting on my lap and leaning on my knees.

The next thing I remember is Josh coming down for work first thing in the morning and him getting Noah a banana.

Noah has a problem with getting sick, but we aren't sure if it was a 24 hour thing, or if it was something he ate yesterday (he had WAY more sugar than normal--We don't eat a lot of candy and sugary things at our house)

Either way, I'm SO over my children being sick and I'm excited for things to warm up so they can stop doing it. I'm praying so hard that the plague will be over with soon so I can get back to our regular routine.

Love, Mackenzie

Spiritual Thought Sunday

So since it's almost 11 at night and we just dealt with Noah puking like the exorcist girl as soon as we walked in the door, I'm going to make this post brief.
I didn't include the link since it's already on the picture, but here we go.

Happy Sunday!

Love, Mackenzie

Picture Prompt Saturday

Here's this weeks picture prompt! I couldn't find the source for this photo, but it wasn't me who created it.

If someone does something with this, let me know. I've always loved this photo!

Happy Writing!

Love, Mackenzie

True Story

I found this quote on Pinterest that speaks to me on such deep level, I had to share. I'm right with you, Mrs. Rowling.

When I really stop and think about my writing goals, especially when the plotting gets tough and things seem to be falling apart at the seams, I find myself unable to give up on my long term writing goals. I genuinely feel like it's what I was put on this earth to do (other than being a mommy and wife) and I love every minute.

Love, Mackenzie

A Fantastic Find

I went to the library with my sister this morning and I discovered a copy of Attack on Titan: No Regrets Vol. 1! AKA Levi Ackerman's origin story! He's my favorite character hands down in the Attack on Titan series and I've been wanting to read this FOREVER.

I'm terribly excited to read it!

Love, Mackenzie

Writing Prompt Wednesday

Here's the prompt for this week with the link!

Thanks for reading and happy writing!

Love, Mackenzie

Octonauts

So there's this show my boys like called Octonauts. Its one of the most bearable shows out there, in my opinion. The premise is there are a bunch of animals living in a submarine who make it their mission to save other animals in need. I do think it's a little inconsistent considering the animals on the ship have pressurized tubes which allow you to go to different levels of this submarine, a long distance communication device in all of their smaller submarines as well as a squid (I think he's a squid) who has extensive knowledge and a huge library where he spends most of every episode reading, and all the while the rest of the ocean life can barely do anything without being threatened by something, no matter where the Octonauts go.

Some may call it admirable, and in the real world, I get emotional when I see viral videos of people fishing ducklings out of sewer pipes or helping rams get their horns unstuck. I saw one where a man helped two swans get untangled, when it was clear they wouldn't have been able to do it themselves.

I'm not sure if it's the heartless side of me coming out our if it's simply because it's a fictional television show, but I can't help but think of all the natural selection that isn't taking place in the Octonaut universe. The Octonauts go out of their way to save the animals of the deep, when in some cases it would be better for them to die than pass on their defective genetics to the rest of the species population.

There's one episode in particular that I actually really enjoy, but every time I watch it, I have a hard time not criticizing it. But it's about a saltwater crocodile who swims into the Arctic sea, and it ends up going into something of a hibernation since it can't handle the intense cold.

Now, I'm no expert, but if I had to guess, making a stupid decision like this would be detrimental to the saltwater crocodile species. Think about this; if every saltwater crocodile behaved as the one in the show did, they'd die out in the matter of a few months or years.

It's a theory that Josh learned in one of his classes that both of us have tried hard to follow. The idea goes like this.

Before you do something, ask yourself, "If everyone did this, would the world be a better place?"
If the answer is no, don't do the thing.

I think this same theory applies to this show.

Now don't get me wrong; I don't think that we should let every animal die if it finds itself in a compromising situation because of its own ignorance and stupidity. But I think Darwinism should be a factor when writing scripts like these.

And I'm done.

Love, Mackenzie

A Helpful Link For My Fellow Writers

I came across this bad boy on Pinterest and I felt I could share. I couldn't find the link to the original post, but I didn't create it.

Love, Mackenzie

I Hit A Milestone

I hit 10k words today in my novel If I Stay! Hooray!

Love, Mackenzie

The Five Stages of Writer Grief

That moment you have when you realize that you need to rewrite the first part of your novel is one of the worst things that can happen when you do writing as a profession or a hobby. Here's the five stages of writer grief.

First; Denial.

Second; Anger.

Third; Bargaining.

Fourth; Depression.

And finally; Acceptance.

This is the second time this type of situation has come crashing down on my head and I honestly just have to duck my head and keep on going with my story (making a note of the change that the beginning needs and praying that it doesn't destroy the rest of the plot in the process) even if it sucks knowing everything you're working so hard for could be worthless. 

Writing is hard, but the worst part of it I've found is the first draft. 

Bring it on, brain. Bring it on. I'll have this first draft done before May's done if it kills me.

Love, Mackenzie

On A Roll

I've written 2,802 words in one day. That's what I call a WIN.

Love, Mackenzie