Over the weekend I've been overly conscious of my body. The way it's shaped, the way it feels and the way I judge myself because of it. I realize that my subconscious is telling me yet again that to love my body the way it is is wrong and I should do my best to work out and eat right always to attain the 'perfect' body.
And then it dawned on me. I had a couple of realizations, actually, so bear with me.
First, what is the perfect body? Having a thigh gap? Fitting into a size 2? Being able to wear a bikini in public, having every male you pass do a double take??
I know for a fact that in twenty years what is considered a beautiful body will change, I hope for the better. When I was in high school, I weighed on average 125 lbs. whereas now I hover around 175. Before, if I gained five pounds, my whole world came crashing down and I felt like I had to go on a diet to make sure that I kept my perfect figure.
There are still days that I look at old photos of myself and think of what it would feel like to be back in my 17 year old figure. Sometimes I imagine I would feel sexy and attractive. But other times I feel like I'd look at myself and think if other's feel like I should have a cupcake or two to be healthy again.
I've been trying desperately to rewire my brain to look at my figure now and not care so much about its imperfections. All my weight hangs out in my tummy, butt and upper thighs. There's like a shelf, its very distinct. I'm not proud of it, but I want to be. And a benefit of having a little extra poundage is that I don't feel the need for a boob job. So that's a bonus.
I'll admit, I get really frustrated when I hear people who say they're striving for the perfect body. Perfect is so subjective. I follow a Youtuber who is quite heavy, who married a good looking man from across the pond. There was a Yahoo special about them, and he said that he's always been attracted to heavier girls and that he honestly thinks she's beautiful. So to him (and I'm sure a larger portion of the male populous than most would like to admit) she's perfect. Some men prefer women who are like twigs, and that's great too. Josh prefers a little more poundage on me since it gives me some nice curves. He tells me to eat well, exercise three to four times a week and however my body comes out to be he said he'll love it. What a good man I married.
But seriously, if you have a certain body type, do your best to take care of it, but I don't think it's worth giving up all the foods that make you feel good just to impress the people around you. I've been there and it sucks. Absolutely sucks.
I find myself while writing this lengthy post thinking about my five year high school reunion coming up in 12 days and I made a list of things I needed to accomplish. I need to paint my nails the day before to make sure they're good and perfect for the day of. I need to make sure my eyebrows are nicely shaped so I don't need to worry about that the day of either. I was planning on purchasing an outfit just for that evening.
But then I realized something. Why do I want to doll myself up for a bunch of strangers who I haven't seen since high school, and trying to impress them, just so I won't feel judged?? Why do I need to make myself look glamorous for all these people I considered idiots back in the day? I wonder if it's because I have only taken one semester in college and I'm a stay at home mom. Stay at home mom's don't get enough credit for the work we do, but that's a post for another time.
For some stupid reason I feel the need to impress everyone because I felt like I didn't match up to most of their success. I felt like I hadn't accomplished as much as them because I chose to get married instead of chasing my college dreams.
But I was wrong. I've done a lot of things in the last five years! I have two kids, a delightful marriage (and a successful one at that, when most of them surely thought it'd fail) I've completed three first drafts of novels and I'm working on a fourth. I keep a house, hold down the fort, support Josh in his schooling and I'm working on growing the knowledge bank in my brain. I've recently started studying genetics and human anatomy as well as criminology and forensics. And I think the most important thing of all that I seem to forget is that I'm working hard on continuing to grow my relationship with my Father in Heaven, because in the end, all that matters is that I did my best to be a good person and a faithful follower to His gospel.
So, I've changed my mind. Yes, I'm going to paint my nails and pluck my eyebrows, but I don't plan on doing much more than straighten my hair and put on some khakis and my Good Mythical Morning tee shirt and chucks. Learning to not give a damn what people think is empowering and terrifying all at once. The world likes to tell you that you should look to it for approval, when in reality, all that truly matters is your relationship with God and your relationship with yourself. When you're in a good spiritual place, everything seems to be better, and when you're in a good relationship with yourself, your relationship with others is that much sweeter since you can focus on them and not so much about what they might be thinking of your clothes or how you dressed your hair or how nice of a car you drive.
Food for thought.
Love, Mackenzie
P.S. I guess it was just me. I didn't have that one follower. And now I feel like an idiot.
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